


How Mary-Sues Came to Be

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-02
Updated: 2005-12-02
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:20:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Mary-Sues have plagued our fine archives of fanfiction and original fiction for decades. How did they come to be? Now you know! Rated PG for Mary-Sues. Trust me, they are scary.





	How Mary-Sues Came to Be

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Chapter One: The Beginning

(A/N: Insert interestingly witty author’s note here.)

\---

Mary-Sue Jane Lisa Marie Presley Elvis Joanne Riddle Catalina Susan Hermione Kathleen Gertrude Cho Chang, or Mary-Sue for short, stared at her completely blank piece of papyrus. Yes, you did read that right, papyrus. For Mary-Sues have been around for almost eternity, but it was the Egyptians who first invented them.

More specifically, one particular Egyptian. This particular Egyptian’s name was Mary-Sue Jane Lisa Marie Presley Elvis Joanne Catalina Susan Lucy Kathleen Gertrude Cho Chang, or Mary-Sue for short.

Now, this may confuse you, as Mary-Sues are often described as having blonde hair, blue or grey eyes, and fair, flawless, creamy skin. Or she might be tanned. Depends on the author. Those of you who are historically educated, or properly educated, might know that the Egyptians do not have blonde hair, blue or grey eyes, or fair, flawless, creamy skin.

However, if those of you who are historically or properly educated know that some Egyptians do have blonde hair, blue or grey eyes, or fair, flawless, creamy skin, please inform the author, for she has only studied the Egyptians twice. And not very in-depth either.

Anyway, Mary-Sue stared blankly at the sheet of papyrus in front of her. She was trying to think of something to write. She was a struggling author, in the way that she was always struggling to think of something to write. And she needed a story idea, fast.

She sighed. It was no use. She might as well just write an autobiography — 

Hey. Wait.

‘That’s it!’ she cried. ‘I’ll make up a story and insert myself! And it will be all about me!’

She picked up her ballpoint pen and put it to paper.

‘There were no ballpoint pens in the Egyptians’ time,’ said a historically and properly educated reader of this story, folding her arms. Which is kind of odd, because what would a historically and properly educated person be doing reading this story anyway? But I digress.

‘Oh dear,’ said the author. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘No, I believe you are not,’ said the reader.

‘You’re right, I’m not. But I’ll correct it anyway. What did the Egyptians use to write with, anyway?’

Here the reader paused. ‘Er.’

She ran.

‘Hey!’ cried the author. ‘Oh fine. Let’s go further back then.’

\---

It was a time when the human race was very technologically advanced. And I’m not talking about the future. It was time in the past, very, very, very long ago. At some point in time, this great race had been destroyed, leaving almost no trace.

This is not the story of the disaster that left that great race almost destroyed.

But it is the story of a being in that race. She was a human being. Her name was Mary-Sue Jane Lisa Marie Elvis Kathleen Joanne Presley Catalina Lucy Susan Gertrude Cho Chang Riddle, or Mary-Sue for short.

Mary-Sue was staring blankly at her computer screen. It was an Apple computer, a Power Mac G5 to be exact. The one with the CPU inside the monitor. She was not using a Windows computer, for long ago, some intelligent beings had realised that Windows sucked, and thus Microsoft went bankrupt and closed down. So now most people used Apple computers, and Steve Jobs was totally rich. But now to continue with our story.

Mary-Sue was a struggling author in the sense that she often struggled to think of things to write, like she was currently doing.

‘I should just write an autobiography,’ she muttered. ‘At least I know how to write that.’

Then a power-saving environmentally friendly light bulb flashed above her head. ‘Someone really needs to fix that thing,’ she said to herself, glancing up at it.

‘Anyway, like I was going to say, that’s it! I’ll write a story about myself, and I’ll put myself in it, and it will be all about me! Except I’ll make up stuff that’ll happen to me, because my life is so totally boring.’

Excitedly, she opened up a new AppleWorks document and began to type.

\---

Mary-Sue Jane Lisa Marie Elvis Kathleen Joanne Presley Catalina Hermione Susan Gertrude Cho Chang Riddle, or Mary-Sue for short, finished typing her wonderfully fantastical completely original story and beamed at her computer monitor.

She couldn’t quite believe she’d written such a work of art, and the words had flowed, like magic. Which was exactly what she had written about — it was a story about a girl, Carrie Kotter, whose parents had been brutally murdered by the most evil dark wizard of all time, Lord Voltdamord, and so Carrie was sent to live with her mentally and verbally abusive uncle and aunt, and Carrie found out she was a witch, and she went to a magic school called Mogvarts, and met two very nice, smart girls called Mary-Sue and Hermia (though Mary-Sue was nicer and smarter than Hermia) and a boy called Rob and had many adventures.

Mary-Sue was planning to write seven books in total, and titled the first one ‘Carrie Kotter and the Magic Person’s Rock’. She sent off the first three chapters by email to several publishers.

\---

(A/N: Yes, I realise some of you may see this as a total rip-off off the Harry Potter books or even JK Rowling’s life.

Sometimes I do too.

But still. I had an idea, and it sounded somewhat decent in the beginning, but then as I typed it just got progressively worse. Not deep-in-a-squalid-pit-of-muck worse (in my opinion), but worse, anyhow.

Some of you may flame me. Go ahead. I can’t stop you, can I? Trust me, if I could, I so would, but I can’t, so I won’t.

Also, someone has to tell me what ‘digress’ means, otherwise I’m going to use it wrong later and embarrass myself.

There should be more chapters. Don’t read it if you don’t want to. If you’re going to flame the first chapter, then flame and don’t come back. I’m not making you read this. Just don’t flame again if you will on this one.

If you read this, flame this chapter, and come back and flame the next one, I will not be annoyed. I will feel pity for those of you who are too stupid to understand anything being said to them. Don’t worry, we’ll save you. One day. When we feel like it.

For those of you nice, smart people, please review!

New A/N: That was my FF.Net A/N. This is my UR.Org A/N. Now that I've read all that I wrote there, I'm starting to think that I sound like one of those poor, deluded authors who know their stories suck and yet still post them for the poor readers to read.

Now, I have a poll: Tell me if I should delete this or not. You don't even have to say anything else in your review; you can even type just 'yes' or 'no' if you want.

You could also type out a lengthy review advising me on how to improve or something.

But it's entirely your choice. :P)


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